While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
