Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
