Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
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just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
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I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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