we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
