on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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