so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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