True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
