Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
