My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
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