It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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