I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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