So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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