the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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