i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
