I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
