I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
