Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
