Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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