i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
