Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
