sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
