I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
