I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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