you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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