Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Randomize
