he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
