My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i drank out of a bidet.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
