i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
