sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
