He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
