Well apparently he's into motor boating.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
