I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
