Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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