I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
