Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
