If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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