yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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