I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize