Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Randomize
