too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
