the day after is always just damage control
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
