I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
