Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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