I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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