trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
