maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
then he tried to convert me to islam
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
