Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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