you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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