Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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