This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Im part way to drunk.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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