No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
