life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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