I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
