a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
