I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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