you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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