Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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