I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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