Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
