Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
