omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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