she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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