While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
