wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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