And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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