even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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