i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
