So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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