Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
