we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
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