Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
