: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
