I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
i need some magic done to my vagina
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
