I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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